NHL Post-season Blues

I'm a hockey fan. Not a voracious one, but I do love my Canucks. But since they worked so hard to lose their way out of the playoffs, I have to find other reasons to stay interested. So I have joined hockey pools. The ones at Future Shop, Globe and Mail, The Score, and eBay, to be exact. I don't expect to win anything, but it keeps me somewhat involved, whereas otherwise I'd just keep bitching about the Canucks for the next four weeks. To do well, I had to predict the outcomes of the playoffs, so here are my predictions:

West:
Rd.1 DET def. EDM, DAL def. COL, CGY def. ANA, SJ def. NAS
Rd.2 DET def. CGY, SJ def. DAL
Rd.3 DET def. SJ

East:
Rd.1 OTT def. TB, CAR def. MON, NJ def. NYR, BUF def. PHI
Rd.2 OTT def. BUF, CAR def. NJ
Rd.3 CAR def. OTT?

Stanley Cup: DET def. CAR or OTT

Thus, I have loaded my pool teams with Wings, 'Canes, Sens and Sharks, with smatterings of Sabres and Stars. Now, the Western Canadian in me says I should root for the Oilers or Flames, but I just hate Alberta so much (lousy oil-rich cowboys, think they're so great 'cause they don't get taxed), so my flag will fly for Ottawa, because they just deserve it so much. I'll keep you posted on how I do.

Brilliant Ideas for Hire

Every so often I have a brilliant idea that, until now, I have had no way to publish. I mean, who do you talk to about massive undertakings of funding? Now, I can talk to y'all. Today, as I was looking at laptops, I realized that for the most part, navigation is an uncomfortable problem. I speak specifically about the touch pads that many laptops employ en lieu of a mouse. The problem is that the thing is in the centre of the thing, so to use it, you have to crank your hand sideways and jam your wrist against your stomach in some situations. Thus increasing the chances of Carpel Tunnel. My idea is this: why not have the touch pad over to one side, in order to simulate the way we use a mouse? What's that you ask? You're left-handed? Simple! The frame for the pad is double sided, and can be flipped over easily. The pad itself would fit into one of two symmetrical docks on either side. Why the hell not huh? C'mon Toshiba, get on this.

Another idea I had a while ago concerns the upcoming 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. Now bear with me, since I don't know all the details of the transit plans, but then it's just an idea. I've read that for the Olympics, there will be a system of 1000 buses set up between Vancouver and Whistler to accomodate athletes, press and spectators. I put forth the idea that this is an environmental risk, and we can do better. There is a local company, Ballard Power Systems, that made a big splash some time ago, when they unveiled improved fuel cell technology that utilizes hydrogen powered engines and emits only water. Now at the moment, the technology is still unproven and expensive, but I believe that if the provincial and federal governments pumped in some major Res&Dev dollars now, they could vastly improve the efficiency and expense of the cells. Buses are the perfect guinea pigs for it, since at the moment, the cells are large and unwieldy, and will fit better in larger vehicles. Then, once we have all these fuel-cell powered, eco-friendly buses running during the Olympics, Vancouver (and Canada) gets mad props for being so environmentally conscious, and moves the entire world forward in terms of alternative energy sources. Then, if that's not good enough (and it won't be) we sell these buses, minus some for our own stocks, to transit systems across North America as "Official Olympic Buses" to recoup some of the fees. Plus, we have a new export industry as the fuel-cell capital of the world. We'll collect lucrative contracts from all over Europe and Asia to build fuel-efficient, green buses. We'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich beyond our wildest dreams! Am I not making sense? Sure, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "But Steve, surely you can't think it's so simple to just improve the technology like that" (at which point you would snap your fingers). Well, you might be right, but what if I'm right? We could be passing up a major opportunity here, instead of building 1000 new gas-powered buses that will burn up more of our already depleted oil stocks, we could create the new wave of water-powered vehicles. Think about it... water-powered! Not only would it run on hydrogen, the most readily available substance on the planet, but the only thing coming out is clean, pure water. Why don't already have this! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Whew! Take a breath. Okay, that said. Congratulations go out to two special folks today. First, QE2 celebrates her 80th birthday. Man, Prince Charles must be just sitting at home going, "Why don't you just die already! At this rate, I'll never get to be an impotent figurehead." Secondly, Donald Trump's personal dating service crowned a new Miss USA tonight, Miss Kentucky. I had my own scorecard going, and although I was batting about 70% success rate, Miss KY kept slipping under the radar, all the way into the finals, which was when I concluded that she had to win. I was rooting for South Carolina, but she missed the finals (a travesty!). By the by, how awesome would it be if someone was sitting next to the Kentucky fans with a sign that read "Jelly" (think about it).

I'd like to leave you with a quote from the MST3K production of The Mole People, that would be perfect if you're at a club and can't shake that crazy chick following you around.

"I'd like to, but I'm a gay married impotent priest with a terminal illness and occasional herpes and I'm a hologram on the run from the law."

I f---in' love that show.

Review: Scary Movie 4

David Zucker owes his career to the spoof genre. In fact, he practically invented it. Going back to Airplane! in 1980, he has spoofed the spy movie (Top Secret!), the detective movie (the Naked Gun series), the teen movie (High School High), the sports movie (BASEketball) and the scary movie (do I have to spell out this one?). He's also working on a superhero spoof (Superhero!) that's slated for next year. The only person who has the same kind of chops in the spoof genre is Leslie Neilsen, who had languished in sporadic TV roles and cheap Canadian productions until he got his big break with Zucker's Airplane! Since then, he has appeared in numerous spoofery, both memorable and forgettable, including the Naked Gun trilogy, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Spy Hard, Wrongfully Accused, 2001: A Space Travesty, and Scary Movie 3.

Zucker and Neilsen team up again for Scary Movie 4, the movie that proves that just because there's a lack of source material, doesn't mean you shouldn't pump out another sequel. The first movie was funny, based on the then-resurging horror movies like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. The second film had some great scenes spooferizing The Exorcist and The Haunting, and still seemed somewhat relevant. By the third film, the series had lost it's Wayans pedigree, and Zucker took over the reins, calling on The Ring and Signs for material. The plot began to get over-reaching and the premise was starting to look tired. Now that the fourth movie has surfaced, you get the feeling that the material is getting thin. The movie draws on Saw, The Grudge, The Village and War of the Worlds for spoofage, and it all looks thrown together messily. The only thing that remains from the original Scary Movie are the two leading ladies, Anna Faris as Cindy Campbell and Regina Hall as Brenda Meeks. Not a problem, since people will still go out and see it in droves. And it's not like the movie is not without comedy, there are some good scenes, like when Cindy converses with the Creepy Japanese Boy in subtitles, while actually saying things like "Subaru Mitsubishi Suzuki Kawasaki?". Or when Neilsen, as the President, is listening to a child reading a book in class, and when he is told of the alien invasion, he wants to wait until he finds out what happens to the duck, before moving into action, ala Prez Bush on 9/11. It's moments like those that make for great spooferation, but when they come so few and far between, it just isn't worth it to sit through a protacted gag about a blind villager coming into the town hall to relieve herself, believing it to be her home, even if it is Carmen Electra.

So this is the basic flow of the story. Cindy Campbell, looking for work as an in-home nurse, moves into the Grudge house, where weird things happen. Next door, Tom Ryan (Craig Bierko, who reportedly turned down the role of Chandler on Friends. Nice one), plays a father who has to protect his kids (with Conchita Campbell, the Vancouver-born mini-actress who plays Maia on The 4400) from the giant TriPods who surface and turn on the Destroy Humanity mixlist. They both run their separate ways. Cindy meets up with Brenda and search for clues to bring down the aliens at an agrarian village. Meanwhile, Tom tries to keep his family safe from aliens, pop stars and himself. They all meet up later, piece things together and play a game for the fate of humanity.

If you're in the mood for a good example of spoofification, rent Naked Gun or Not Another Teen Movie, but if you don't mind seeing Leslie Neilsen's 80-year old ass or Charlie Sheen with a ginormous boner, then by all means. Just know that there are much better instances of spooferentialism out there. I just like saying spoof, it's a fun word to say. Spoof, spoof, spoofy spoof.

∆∆ of 5

Review: Lucky Number Slevin

There is a certain formula to film noir, that must be followed, in order to successfully drag the audience into it's murky depths. First of all, the hero, played in Lucky Number Slevin by former heart-throb Josh Hartnett. I say former because his position, once cemented by roles in Pearl Harbor and 40 Days and 40 Nights, has been usurped by new people, like Paul Walker and Jake Gyllenhaal. The noir hero must be a regular guy who steps into the wrong place at the wrong time, and is propelled into the middle of a Class-5 s#¡tstorm by forces beyond his control.

In this case, the regular guy is Slevin, a man who just got into town to visit his buddy after a rough patch at home. The wrong place is the apartment of his buddy, Nick Fisher, who is nowhere to be found. The wrong time is when the bad guys show up to see Nick about some debts that need to be repaid. The storm is that there are two competing mafioso's in the neighborhood, that both need something from Mr. Fisher, who in both cases will be played by Slevin. The uncontrolled forces are as follows: The Boss, played by Morgan Freeman, whose son has just been assassinated, and is calling in a favour from our Slevin to avenge said murder; The Rabbi, played by Ben Kingsley, is thought to be the source of the aforementioned hit, and is looking for the monetary repayment of some gambling debts; Goodkat, played by Bruce Willis, a hired gun who appears to be the mastermind to the goings on, and the reason for Slevin's involvement; and Det. Brikowski (a name exclusively held for detectives), played by Stanley Tucci, just trying to piece things together before they spin out of control, which of course is impossible. The next part of the noir formula, is the follow-the-bouncing-plot storyline, where things happen, but they didn't really happen, or did they? Where events play out, and the audience is left to scratch to heads until they do the final last five minute flashback to all the things we didn't get to see so the ending makes sense. It can be frustrating to watch such a movie with someone who doesn't always follow along as closely as you, because you will constantly be asked, "Wait, wasn't he dead? I thought he was a good guy. What just happened?" The plotlines need to be dark, preferably about the depths people sink to when they have to, usually involving murder, always involving some seemingly normal person trying to survive in an unforgiving world. Another line on the noir checklist is the witty dialogue. It needs to be needlessly clever and overly dramatic, like Slevin's answer to the question "What are you gonna say?": "I'm gonna say what any man with two penises would say when his tailor asks him if he dresses to the right or to the left. Yes." Or Morgan Freeman's, "You come in here shooting your mouth off like you don't give a f--k if it gets shot off."

The other noir neccessity is the look of the film. Dark angular shadows should permeate even in broad daylight, faces should appear suddenly out of darkness as though they had materialized out of thin air. Camera angle should keep the viewer on their toes, as people are seen from below, high above, in profile, just facial features or have whole scenes cropped over to one side, so the rest of the frame is seemingly empty. They love that one. This movie is a bit hard on the eyes sometimes with constant reminders that the set decorator apparantly hates people, and wants them to go blind. The film is full of wallpaper designs that strained and maligned my peepers, which are bad enough as it is, without putting optical illusions on all the walls.

So, as far as film noir goes, Lucky Number Slevin hits all the bases. It makes a fine addition to recent noir films as L.A. Confidential or Memento. But make no mistake that you'd be walking into the next Chinatown or Sunset Boulevard, because it ain't there yet, sweetheart.

∆∆∆ of 5

Review: The Benchwarmers

Some movies are just mistakes, no matter how good the intentions are. I mean really, how could they go wrong? Everybody loves a good baseball movie, right? Oh yeah, a good baseball movie, that's what happened. Now, granted, Adam Sandler wanted to make this film years ago, with Chris Farley, and that may have worked better. Those were the days where Rob Schneider and David Spade still held some kind of box-office pull, being fresh off the SNL boat and all. But, a deuce of Deuce Bigelow and a failed sitcom (Just Shoot Me) later, and these two just don't carry the same weight anymore. So when Sandler decided to go ahead with The Benchwarmers, he called on the next generation of comedy to fill Farley's oversized uniform. Enter Jon Heder, who has done very little so far to live up to his post-Napoleon Dynamite status as a Comedy God, whoever said that.

So these are the three goobers, Gus (Schneider), a landscaper who is inexplicably married to supermodel Molly Sims; Clark (Heder), a paperboy whose hobbies include nasal spelunking and throwing like a mildly retarded girl; and Ritchie (Spade), a video store clerk with an agoraphobic brother (Nick Swardson, who some may know as Reno 911!'s Terry, the hand-job on rollerblades). They decide to take a stand against some neighborhood bully kids by beating their little-league team at baseball. This draws the attention of a billionaire (Jon Lovitz), whose son is recently and constantly victimized by said bullies. He throws together a round-robin tournament that involves the three men playing full teams for the right to play in his new stadium. Lovitz gets to ham it up, showing off his wealth by driving around in the Batmobile and KITT, and having Star Wars memorabilia displayed throughout his compound. Former late-night talk show host Craig Kilborn plays the same character he did in Old School, a pompous jerk, this time as a coach. There's also a fantastic cameo by Mr. October himself, Reggie Jackson, giving the guys some tips on the finer points of the game, by smashing mailboxes from the back of a truck.

There's a lot of real lowbrow humour here, and that's not to say that lowbrow can't be funny, because it can when applied properly, I'm just saying that when you have a bunch of jokes involving the ingestion of nose gold and the taste of farts, lowbrow isn't that funny. In fact the best laugh I got was when Molly Sims said she wanted to have Schneider's baby. I laughed and I laughed some more. So who knows, maybe if this movie had been made 10 years ago with Chris Farley, and a bankable Schneider and Spade, this film would have been much better, but now, it just looks like Sandler's nepotism gone horribly awry.

∆∆ of 5

Review: Ice Age 2

About 10,000 years ago, the period known as the Ice Age, which had lasted for 60,000 years, gradually ended. With it came the extinction of a great many species, and the proliferation of mankind, who had by then spread to all corners of the Earth. It also serves as the setting for the animated comedy Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. The sequel to 2002's hit film reunites the stars of the first one. Manny (Ray Romano), the strong and stubborn mammoth who increasingly believes he may be the last of an extinct species; Diego (Denis Leary), the reformed sabre-toothed tiger who grudgingly joined the herd; Sid (John Leguizamo), the comic relief sloth who holds the group together; and Scrat (director Chris Wedge), the terminally unlucky squirrel who just wants that Goddamn acorn!

The first film also contained a human tribe, and thankfully they do not appear here, as humans always screw up animal stories (just ask Bambi). Instead, the sequel focusses on the fact that the ice wall that protects the idyllic waterpark-like valley is beginning to melt, and the animals must evacuate before they all drown. Just some nice, light family fare. Complicating the journey is Manny's fear that he is becoming extinct, but that changes when he meets Ellie (Queen Latifah), who appears to be the only other mammoth in the valley. The only problem is that she thinks she's a possum, like her "brothers", Crash and Eddie (Sean William Scott, Josh Peck). Thus the herd travels together, encountering plenty of pratfalls and setbacks, until the ice melts and everyone jumps into action.

This is a pretty funny movie, and they make good use of what humour can be gleaned from an ELE (extinction-level event). One of the better running gags is the flock of vultures constantly circling the group, led by a husky-voiced gunslinger type (Will Arnett), who break out into a few verses of "Food, Glorious Food". And as always, Scrat's misadventures are always a welcome relief from the sometimes heavy-handed environmental symbolism, rivalling Wile E. Coyote's consistant failures. The movie leaves plenty of room for a third movie, and I predict we will get one. Maybe they make their way to Africa, Manny and Ellie both lose their fur coats, and become the first elephants, and Sid falls in love with a giraffe. Hilarity ensues. It's a fine movie to bring the kids to, so long as they don't get saddened by the fact that most of the depicted creatures no longer exist.

∆∆∆1/2 of 5

Let Their Voices Be Heard

I did some research into voice actors after finding the same names coming up again and again on my favourite toons. Names that I realized that for most people had no face to them. So, as a service to you, the billions of people who will never read this, I have compiled a list of some of the most prolific voice actors in the biz.

Pamela Segall Adlon > - Currently the voice of Bobby Hill, but has also voiced Milo Oblong (The Oblongs) and Spinelli on Recess.

Hank Azaria - Mostly known for his Simpsons work as Apu, Moe, Chief Wiggum, Carl and others. Has also been Harold Zoid on Futurama and Bartok the bat on Anastasia.

Mel Blanc - He basically invented voice acting, as the man behind Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, Tweety and Sylvester. He also played Barney Rubble and Dino on The Flintstones as well as Mr. Spacely on The Jetsons.

Daws Butler < - What Mel Blanc was to the Looney Tunes, Daws Butler was to Hanna-Barbara, voicing Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss, Quick Draw McGraw, Augie Doggie, Wally Gator and Elroy Jetson.

Nancy Cartwright - The long-time voice of Bart Simpson also does Rufus the Molerat on Kim Possible, Chuckie Finster on Rugrats, Pistol on Goof Troop, and the ill-fated Toon Shoe on Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Dan Castelleneta > - Besides his work as Homer and Grandpa Simpson, as well as many other characters on the show, Dan has voiced the Genie on the Aladdin series, Futurama's Robot Devil, and Darkwing Duck's nemesis Megavolt.

Townsend Coleman - Played Michaelangelo the Ninja Turtle, Wayne Gretzky on ProStars and was the title character on The Tick and Where's Waldo?

Jim Cummings < - One of Disney's go-to guys from the mid-80's. He is the current voice of Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, and has played Don Karnage (TaleSpin), Monterey Jack (Rescue Rangers), Bonkers and Lucky Piquel (Bonkers), Darkwing Duck, Zummi (Gummi Bears), Pete (Goof Troop), and Ed the Hyena (Lion King).

Mike Judge - The former voice of Beavis and Butthead, can now be heard as Hank Hill and Boomhauer on King of the Hill.

Tom Kenny - Plays the title character on SpongeBob SquarePants as well as the Mayor on Powerpuff Girls, Ratbert on Dilbert, The Penguin on the latest version of Batman, Spyro the Dragon, and Heffer on Rocko's Modern Life.

Maurice LaMarche > - Perhaps best known as The Brain from Animaniacs, he has also voiced Kiff Kroker from Futurama, Garbage Man from Dilbert, Chief Quimby from Inspector Gadget, Dizzy Devil from Tiny Toon Adventures and does the voice of Toucan Sam for Froot Loops.

Phil Lamarr - A MadTV alumnus, he has been the voice of Samurai Jack, Hermes Conrad (Futurama) and Green Lantern (Justice League).

Seth MacFarlane - The brains and voices behind Family Guy (Peter, Stewie and Brian Griffin; Quagmire) and American Dad (Stan Smith, Klaus and Roger).

Tress MacNeille < - A real workhorse in the industry, she has voiced Dot Warner (Animaniacs), Chip and Gadget (Rescue Rangers), Carol (Dilbert), Morbo's co-anchor Linda (Futurama), Daisy Duck, Charlotte Pickles (Rugrats), Agnes Skinner (Simpsons) and Babs Bunny (Tiny Toon Adventures).

Don Messick - The partner to Daws Butler, he played many roles for Hanna-Barbara over the years, including Scooby-Doo, Boo Boo Bear, Bamm-Bamm Rubble, Astro Jetson and Dr. Quest, as well as Papa Smurf.

Frank Oz - Another one-man vocal menagerie, he voiced many of the Muppets, including Bert, Grover, Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Cookie Monster and Animal. He also provides the voice of Yoda.

Rob Paulson > - Best recognized for his work as Yakko Warner and Pinky on Animaniacs, he has also played PJ on Goof Troop, Spike in the Land Before Time series, Raphael the Ninja Turtle, and Arthur, sidekick to The Tick.

Kath Soucie - Played the DeVille twins, Phil and Lil, on Rugrats, Linka on Captain Planet, and Kanga in all the current Pooh productions.

Cree Summer - Currently voicing Foxxy Love on Drawn Together, she has also been Penny on Inspector Gadget, Elmyra on Tiny Toon Adventures, Susie on Rugrats, Princess Kida on the Atlantis movies and the Green M&M.

Patrick Warburton - Most often heard as Joe Swanson on Family Guy, he has also been Buzz Lightyear on the TV series, Kronk on The Emperor's New Groove, Brock Samson on The Venture Bros and the Wolf in Hoodwinked.

Frank Welker < - A king among voice actors. Usually voices animals who communicate by noises, like Curious George, Santa's Little Helper (Simpsons), Abu (Aladdin), Bronx (Gargoyles), Nibbler (Futurama), Brain (Inspector Gadget), the cricket from Mulan, the hummingbird from Pocahontas, the dolphin from seaQuest, and the monkey from Captain Planet. He also does Fred from Scooby-Doo, a bunch of Smurfs, Megatron from the Transformers movie and Dr. Claw (Inspector Gadget).

Billy West > - The current voice of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, he has also voiced Fry and Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama, Ren and Stimpy, Doug Funnie from Doug, Anita Bidet from The Oblongs, and in commercial campaigns as the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee and the Red M&M.

That's a sampling of some of the ones that make an impact on me, personally. Let me know if you have any other major additions to this list.

Playing Catch-up

Apologies to my faithful readers (zero and counting) for being silent this last week. It's been a deceptively busy week for me. Here's what I've been up to of late.

Watching Firefly episodes
When the series first aired back in '02, I didn't watch it because I didn't watch Buffy and dismissed it out of hand. Then, this summer, I watched Serenity and found myself thoroughly enjoying myself, even though I was kind of lost. Last week, I decided to rectify that watching the entire 15-episode run of Firefly. It was absolutely crantastic. Featuring a cast of nobodies, including the least-known Baldwin brother, Adam, this show simply drops you into a universe 500 years into the future. In this scenario, there has been no signs of extraterrestrial life, but an overpopulated Earth has forced the terraforming of several new planets around the 'verse. Many of these central planets are run by an all-powerful governing force, known as the Alliance (as all-powerful governing forces have to called Alliance). Meanwhile, on the outer planets, societies have evolved like Old West communities, and therein lies the premise: Space Western! The story centres around the crew of the Serenity, a Firefly-class smuggler ship. The crew is comprised of Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion), a former soldier who firmly believes in honour among thieves, as long as he gets paid; no-nonsense first mate Zoe Washburne (Nina Torres) and her wacky husband, pilot "Wash" (Alan Tudyk); chief mechanic and widdle cutie pie Kaylee (Jewel Staite); munitions expert/a-hole Jayne (Adam Baldwin); registered companion–or high-class whore–Inara (Morena Baccarin); man of faith Shepherd Book (Ron Glass); and Dr. Simon Tan (Sean Maher) and his troubled sister River (Summer Glau). The good doctor and his sister are on the run from the Alliance, and find sanctuary on Serenity. The captain and co. spend most of the fifteen eps going from one scrape to another. It would have been nice to get another season of story development, but that was not to be. Thank goodness they were able to tie things up with the movie, but I'll miss it all the same.

Take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me.
Take me out to the black, tell 'em I ain't coming back
Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me.
There's no place I can be, since I've found serenity
You can't take the sky from me.

Partying Downtown
Last Friday, I went to a tiny art gallery called the Blanket Gallery. They were showing some new works by some guy who draws like my ten year-old sister. The reason I was there was because that gallery will, in a couple months time, be home to the first exhibition of my roommate Lorenzo's artwork. Soon, I will post some pictures of his work so that all none of you can see it. After the show, we decided, since we were already downtown on a Friday, that we should get shit-faced at the Roxy. Problem was, it was 9:30, and the place was full. So we waited. And waited. And waited some more. We saw some Gregorian monks handing out Axe body lotion. We saw a man shilling the opportunity to kick him in the bangers and mash for 10 bucks (no takers). We saw a ton of people walk up to the bouncers and go right in. We silently fumed for 2 hours and 15 minutes, before they finally let us in. But I'm glad we waited. There was a competant bar band playing some good songs, from Billie Jean to Santoria to Sweet Child of Mine. We danced. I made eyes at the singer, who on more than one occasion returned my gaze. Greg danced with a pair of ladies, who then bought him a drink. And no offense, but Greg is not the most Casa of Nova's. So, he had a blast and we all left at 3 in shock.

Peeped Some Rides
The next day (Saturday if you're keeping track), we bussed it on down to the Auto Show. We went about five years ago to see if we'd won a contest, which we did, and thought it was time to visit again. We come for the cars but stay for the free bags. We checked out Tuner Alley and saw some pimp-ed out rides. We saw beautiful Porsches, Lambos, Lotuses (Loti?) and Ferraris. Then we cruised on down to check out the main floor. The only problem is that this isn't Detroit, and we don't get to see all the concept cars that are out there. We did see a few, specifically the Jeep Rescue (pictured left) and this van thing from Suzuki (pictured right). We grabbed some bags from most of the booths, but I guess the luxury cars think they're too good for bags, huh? And what's this? Toyota and Volkwagen think so too? That does it, no Camry or Jetta will ever grace these buttcheeks. All in all, a fine time, and I finally got to sit in a Hummer that wasn't reeking of pit sweat or weed smoke. Is it just me, or is that just too much truck? I did like the Dodge Magnum, but I suppose I have a soft spot for Dodge, since I drive a Neon. Smart Pedestrians, Dodge Trucks. The funniest part about the day, was wandering around the vendor section and having people try to hand me invitations to race my car at some track. My only response to these guys is, "No thanks, I drive a Neon."

Making a Difference
A good friend of mine, Andrew K., was recently diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. The first time I found out was on a camping trip. He was staggering around the campsite at 10 in the morning, and I accused him (jokingly) of being drunk way too early. Of course, when I found out, I was horrifed at my own insensitivity. Since then, he has been steadily regressing and now walks with great difficulty or uses a wheelchair. His parents told me of a charity walk, and I immediately agreed. I raised $115 and with the rest of my family, we raised over $500. Our entire group, Team Andrew, made up of families, friends and members of our softball team, the Hamburgers (more on that later), raised over $6500 for MS, we came in second at the Surrey event, great numbers for a non-corporate team. I did a 6.5 km walk in an hour with my 10 year-old sister, Tenniele. This was after getting 4 hours of sleep. I was bushed, but I felt great. I know that contribution was small, but just being there gave me a warm feeling. I'm not somebody who would usually put myself through something like that, but I'd do it again, and probably will next year. P.S. I got to hold a Paralympic Gold medal (won by wheelchair curler Gary Cormack), so that was cool.

Time to Split!
This game review is many months late, and as such, probably totally irrelevant, but we have all been playing Timesplitters 3: Future Perfect for the PS2, and believe it to be awesome. Now, granted we don't play enough games to be experts (the last game we got was GTA: San Andreas, and that was already a year old, AND I haven't even finished it yet, but I plan to), but I love the fact that the game is a viloent first person shooter, but it doesn't take itself seriously. How can you, when you have unlockable characters like a snowman on a flying carpet, or a floating school of fish, running around shooting at you with RPG's and shotguns. The mini challenges sometimes border on the ludicrous, like curling a monkey across a Siberian ice lake (two curling references in one post? Whatup wi'dat?). The story mode, although entertaining, is much too short to really get into, and leaves you scratching your head. The good thing is that unlike most FPS story modes, this one boasts a two-player cooperative, so you and a friend can fight the good fight together. Or, in the other 13 play modes, you can blast him apart or steal his bases. The attention to detail is astounding, which makes me afraid to play the Xbox 360, as I fear my brain would melt out my ears and slink into a corner. So, all in all, great gameplay, but not enough of it.

∆∆∆∆ of 5

Reading Fan-Fics
I am a Harry Potter fan. There I said it. I am a grown man, albeit newly so, and I read Harry Potter. I am not ashamed of it, although I am hiding it here at the bottom of my post. I have all the books downloaded on my computer (but for legality's sake, I also have "purchased" them from "retailers"), but that is not enough to slake my thirst for adventure at Hogwarts. I have found a few good fan-fic authors that keep my imagination entranced. I have a few rules. They have to be novel-length. Anything worth doing is worth doing completely. I'd preder it if there were more than one by the author, so that the story continues along a few books. And I read the Mature books, since it's just more fun. The best ones I have read come from Barb who has written a novel for each year after GoF, plus a prequel detailing the years of the Marauders and a followup book about the decade following the graduation. I have also read the two books by Abraxan, with less aplomb, but with plenty of adventuring. The problem is the disconnect I find between these and the JKR canon, but if I wasn't prepared for that, then I shouldn't read them, should I? I have certain preconceptions about certain characters, and don't much like it when Draco and Snape become sympathetic figures who all of a sudden change their ways and become allies. I don't like it when authors invent new spells that work in inconceivable ways and are named with flimsy Latinesque words (Loveabundius? Come on!). Oh well. There you have it, my secret shame. I like it when Harry and Ginny get it on, is that so wrong? Maybe it is, but I didn't write it, nor could I probably.

Well, that's what I've been doing this past week. What about you? Somebody give me a comment, damnit! I've worked so hard on this, I deserve a wassup, don't I? Until next time, you got Sblounskched!

Review: Dave Chappelle's Block Party

Let me begin by saying that I'm not a big rap or R&B fan, but I am a big Dave Chappelle fan. "I'm Rick James, bitch!" defined a new generation of comedy. Well, maybe not, but I do love to say, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" I also love to tell people to "bathe in the waters of Lake Minnetonka" and to, "show Charlie Murphy your titties." So when Dave Chappelle makes a concert movie, I'm there... eventually. The whole thing came about after Chappelle's self-imposed exile to South Africa. He had buckled under the pressure of Comedy Central's three-year, $50 million deal for his show, and took off. He spent some time in Africa, and returned home to his ranch in Ohio. Then he, with help from director Michel Gondry, he of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame, started to put together a concert in Central Park. It was Gondry who suggested it be moved somewhere that it would be appreciated more. So that's how it was moved to the corner of Downing and Quincy, in the Bed-Stuy hood.

While he was amassing a group of talent like Kanye West, Erykah Badu, Mos Def, Common and Dead Prez, he also canvassed the area he lives in, Dayton, Ohio, for people he wanted to invite to New York. He invited the two older white ladies he buys cigarettes from, one of whom said she would "have to buy a thong." He invited two probation officers, a couple of guys from the block and an entire university marching band. He put them on buses and sent them to Brooklyn. He cruised around New York neighborhoods with a bullhorn, telling folks to, "bring Rudy and Theo and Denise," meaning the Huxtables. He visited a daycare centre that would be beside the concert. He conversed with all walks of people, and that was the overall message of the film, just getting everybody together to have a good time.

Dave, with Mos Def.

Did you hear about the industrious prostitute? No Dave, I didn't. She had another vagina surgically implanted on her hip. How come, Dave? So she could make some money on the side!

I had to read more about this movie to understand the miracle that happened during the course of the film. When Columbia Records wouldn't allow Lauren Hill to perform any of her own songs, she consented to appear as part of her former group, The Fugees. Now, apparently, this was a huge deal, and when they played "Killing Me Softly", the crowd went berserk, so I guess it was a huge deal. So... good for them.

If you are expecting a two-hour episode of Chappelle's Show, with skits and jokes and then a bit of music at the end, you may be disappointed, but then you'd also be missing out on the opportunity to see a concert played for the people who need it, not just the ones who can afford outrageous ticket prices. And hey, if you like this kind of music, it's all the better.

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Happy Pranksgiving!

I hope everyone had a wonderful April Fools Day. The day where we celebrate the absurd, the misguided and the sometimes downright cruel, if only to get a rise out of somebody. The day when the Swiss harvest their spaghetti trees, when Philadelphians visit the Taco Liberty Bell, when we all plan vacations to the islands of San Seriffe. These are the things that hoax legends are made of.

Someday, I will plan an April 1st joke to play on my friends. It will be airtight, and it will be put in motion well before the day. It will shake them to their very cores. They will cry. And I will laugh. Someday.

But until then, I will have to amuse myself with, "Hey, your shoe's untied," or, "Hey, your mom just died." (audible sigh) Oh well, back to my Left-Handed Whopper, I suppose.

Save the Daylight!

In honour of Daylight Savings today, I'd like to find out who can save the most. Beginning this morning, save as much daylight as you possibly can. Whoever succeeds in saving the most daylight will win. The rules are simple: Only pure daylight will be counted, no dawn, dusk or twilight will be counted. However, overcast light filtered through clouds will be accepted. Moonlight is strictly forbidden, and will be met with disqualification. Light can be stored in any container.

Please send me quantifiable pictures by the end of the week, to be judged. Good luck and happy savings!