Summer Movie Preview

Every summer, Hollywood comes to the conclusion that it must be far too hot out to think very deeply about plot and character. So instead of original material, we are given sequels, remakes and adaptations. But, cynical as I am, I'll see the lot of them (a couple of weeks later) because I can't help it, it's too damn hot to worry about. Here's some of the one's I wanna see this year.

• Poseidon (May 12) I've never seen the original film (or the made-for-TV version last year, for that matter), but I've gotta have at least one disaster film this year. Wolfgang Peterson (Perfect Storm) directs a wide cast with Kurt Russell and McCaughnahy lookalike Josh Lucas. Looks like fun.
• The Da Vinci Code (May 19) How could this possibly fail? Take the literary phenomenon of the past year, add Tom Hanks, apply Ron Howard liberally and stir with recent controversy. My prediction? $80-million in the first weekend.
• Over the Hedge (May 19) Not the first animal-based animated movie of the year (The Wild) nor the last (Open Season), this movie is not a sure thing. The voice cast is eclectic to say the least (from Bruce Willis to Steve Carell to Avril Lavigne?), but it should tide the kids over until Cars opens.
• X-Men: The Last Stand (May 26) So maybe we're all a little fatigued by the righteousness displayed the second one, but come on, who's not going to see this? I don't know how to feel about Kelsey Grammer as Beast. On the one hand, he has the voice and class to lend credence to Hank McCoy, but can Frasier really swing around with Beast's agility? I'll find out when everyone else does.
• The Omen (June 6) This is another 70's remake, this time about a little boy who may just be the spawn of Satan. This version stars Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles. What I really love though, is the fact that the film is being released on 6/6/6. How long have they been waiting for that?
• Cars (June 9) Everything Pixar has touched up until this point has been solid gold. They could digitally animated a cold moose turd for 88 minutes and the kids would still ask for the Happy Meal toys. The characters in the film look ridiculously cartoony and something doesn't feel right, but it won't matter. This film will clean up like a Puerto Rican maid (ouch, Steve, watch the slurs).
• Nacho Libre (June 16) Jack Black is back to comedy in this film about a priest who joins the Mexican wrestling circuit to save an orphanage. Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess holds the reins on this one, and I couldn't be happier.
• Click (June 23) Adam Sandler plays the wielder of a magical, or technologically superadvanced, I don't know which, universal remote that can pause, rewind, or slow down moments of his life. High-concept comedy meets low-brow actor. Summer movies are full of them.
• Superman Returns (June 30) This movie has had more people come and go than a Vietnamese whorehouse (jeez Steve, again with the slurs). But it's ready now, with former X-Men director Bryan Singer behind the lens, and newcomer Brandon Routh in the red cape. Apparently, Superman has been gone for a while, and comes back to find Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey, I'm happy to say) back to his old tricks, and Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) perhaps moving on. I hope they finally answer the question of Clark Kent's glasses which make him completely unrecognizable somehow.
• Pirates of the Caribbean (July 7) 2003's hit summer movie has spawned two sequels. One is being released now, the other next year, I can only assume. Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira "Twice" Knightly are all back and ready for more action. I can safely say that swashes will be buckled.
• Lady in the Water (July 21) Here's hoping M. Night Shyamalan got his groove back after the disappointing Village (I figured the twist out 30 minutes in). What if we're too expectant of his films? Does he have to have a mind-bending twist in each one? We'll see, as Paul Giamatti stars an apartment super who rescues a woman from his pool, but is she what she appears to be?
• My Super Ex-Girlfriend (July 21) Uma Thurman is a superhero, whose alter-ego is dumped by Luke Wilson for being too needy. Big mistake, as he will soon learn. Meh... it could be funny.
• Miami Vice (July 28) Crockett and Tubbs are back, now as Colin Ferrell and Jamie Foxx, in Michael Mann's film adaptation of his own 80's TV series. This production was plagued by problems on set, so I wonder if that will translate to onscreen interest.
• Barnyard (July 28) A CGI-film that, rather than focus on zoo animals going to the wild (The Wild, Madagascar) or woodland creatures in civilization (Over the Hedge, Open Season), deals with barnyard animals that have to protect their home when the farmer takes leave. Voices include Kevin James, Courtney Cox and some real voice talent like Maurice LaMarche and Rob Paulsen, so my expectations are raised.
• Little Miss Sunshine (July 28) A small flick with a great cast, this could be the indie hit of the summer. Steve Carell and Toni Collette are the parents of a young pageant hopeful, who road trip in a VW van to get to the finals. Carell can do no wrong for me.
• Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (August 4) Try to find something wrong with this scenario: Will Ferrell (hilarious) is a NASCAR (megapopular) driver facing competition from a French driver, Sacha Baron Cohen (awesome!) in a movie by Adam McKay (Anchorman). Plus the product placement alone probably covered the cost of the movie, so everything it makes (and it'll make a lot) will be mostly profit.
• World Trade Center (August 11) No subject requires more finesse and light-handedness than 9/11, as United 93 so ably proved. So why hand the reins over to Oliver Stone, who has never been either of those things? Nicolas Cage stars as a firefighter who survived being trapped in the wreckage. Hoo boy. Dey's goin a-hell for dis one.
• Snakes on a Plane (August 18) It's just what it says. An assassin releases a crate of poisonous snakes on a flight carrying a federal witness in the care of Marshal Samuel L. Jackson. They refilmed parts of this wildly buzzing movie to bring the rating to an R. "Get these m-----f---ing snakes off mym-----f---ing plane!"
• Beerfest (August 25) The Broken Lizard comedy troupe is back in (hopefully) fine form. I still contend that Super Troopers is one of the funniest movies ever. In this one, two brothers visit Oktoberfest and compete in ancient "beer games". I am psyched.
• Idiocracy (September 1) Average American Luke Wilson is sent 1000 years into the future, where the dumbed down society considers him a genius. Mike Judge's follow-up to Office Space, another of my funniest flicks. I am super-psyched.
• Crank (September 1) Jason Statham (Transporter) is a hitman with 24 hours to save his girlfriend before he succombs to a poison, so he goes on a tear. Statham is a British ass-kicking machine. I am ultra-mega-psyched.
• Employee of the Month (September 29) The fact that Dane Cook is in this far redeems the fact that Jessica Simpson is also. Simpson is a Costco associate who mentions she will date the employee of the month, causing slacker co-workers Cook and Dax Shapard to try and out-do each other. Dane Cook is my comedic hero. I don't have a level of psyched for this.

Okay, so I know I pushed it a bit by going into September, but I want everyone to start salivating about Dane Cook. Did that sound creepy? I don't care. He is my own personal Jesus. I'm sitting outside his window as I write this. I have to go, I think he just called the cops.