Dusting off the cobwebs

Wow, August of 2006 was the last time I posted here? Yowsers. I guess I should have more to show for my time away, but not really. Hmm, well since then I have worked on a show called Chaotic. I worked on the backgrounds for it and I'm quite proud of the work I did. It was the first REAL work that I have done. And the fact that is was for a show that is on the Saturday morning FOX block? Well that's just the sprinkles on the donut.

I went to the Caribbean last February (jeez, has it already been a year since then?) and that's when I met my girlfriend, Amber. She's a wonderful girl who makes me feel very special. But I'm not going to get too personal here, as it is a public blog (granted, one that to date, not one person has ever read, so this kind of stands as my own personal journal).

Anyway, as it stands now, I'm unemployed, my relationship status is confusing, and I have more time on my hands. What have I been filling it with, you might ask? You probably wouldn't, you'd more likely ask why I'm not looking for a new job instead of writing a blog at four in the morning on a Tuesday, but for the purposes of this exercise, let's say you did. To which I would answer: Nothing.

Not entirely true, but maybe 'nothing important' is a better qualifier. I've been reading, mostly Harry Potter fanfics, but I've also been reading 'A Confederacy of Dunces' by John Kennedy Toole. I've also been dabbling in some puzzling, mostly at the MIT Puzzle Hunt site. I really enjoy getting into the intricacies of the meta-puzzles, although admittedly, they are usually somewhat beyond my grasp. I've been involved in a fantasy hockey league that takes up a lot of my time. I'm sitting in fourth right now, and considering my team, I think I could be doing better. I've made some bad choices (Poti, Schaefer, Kuba, Byfuglien) and had some lame ducks (Cheechoo, Kozlov, Holmqvist, Modano, Zubrus), but I've had new blood more than pull their weight (Sharp, Ribeiro, Leclaire, Antropov, Langenbrunner). I won last year, so I'm not too disappointed with where I am. Next year will be interesting.

I've been catching up on my TV. Being a Canadian without premium channels, means I often turn to the net to see what others are talking about. I used to be an ardent fan of tv-links.co.uk, and would recommend it to anyone and everyone. But then the man had to come down on him, a 25-year old from London, and the site went down. As we all know, when one revolution is quelled, five more will take its place. I have searched for new life in the realm of streaming video sites, and I have found two that have served me well lately: surfthechannel.com and Project FreeTV are two excellent sites that have extensive links to both TV and movies. Lately I've been watching some or all of the following:

• Mad Men
  
• The Wire
• Californication
• Dexter
• Rome
• Life
• The Chasers War on Everything
• Peep Show
• Breaking Bad
• Torchwood
• The Riches
• Flight of the Conchords
• Tim and Eric's Awesome Show: Great Job!
  
• and Burn Notice

I've also been seeing a lot of stuff online that tickles my various fancies. I'm gonna save that for another day, but I should do it soon before I just forget about it again. So until then, auf weidersehen and chip chip cheerio.

How do I feel after the Emmys?

It's hard for me to describe how I'm feeling, post-Emmys. There was a lot to like but still many unanswered questions. So let me break it down.

Pro: Right off the bat, host Conan O'Brian hits a home run with his opening riff on TV's hot shows. Although this is besides the fact that Lost was not nominated and perhaps in poor taste after the real-life plane crash in Kentucky, but this was all planned weeks in advance, so what are people going to do, complain? Oh yes they are, and did. But besides that, with Hurley sheepishly explaining to O'Brian that he wasn't invited to the Emmy's, Dwight blaming Jim for having O'Brian drop through the ceiling, Chloe and Jack telling O'Brian to get off the secure CTU line, House diagnosing all of O'Brian's unusual physical characteristics, and O'Brian being painted as a sexual predator on Dateline, I thought it was a non-stop riot.

Con: The "new and improved" nominating process was put in place to shake up the fields, and allow newer, fresher faces to get in on the excitement. Everyone cheered as they thought people like Lauren Graham, Kristen Bell and John McGinley would finally get some recognition. And to some extent, it worked. Denis Leary got a much deserved nod, as did Steve Carell, Kyra Sedgwick, Jean Smart and Stephen Colbert. But none of them won anything. And where were the Lost boys, Hugh Laurie, and the girls of Wisteria Lane (not that I watched them, but last year, they had 3 of the 5 Lead Actress nods). I realize you can't have everybody you want, but sometimes you just have to shake your head.

Pro: 24 finally gets some real respect. After 5 seasons, at least 3 great ones, Kiefer gets to take home the hardware. He was the only one of the five actors nominated to return from last year. The West Wing was the only other drama show to return. So it's about time it got some props, right? Even in a year that picked Grey's Anatomy (which went home empty-handed by the way) over Lost.

Con: Barry Manilow? Barry Freakin' Manilow?! Stephen Colbert lost out to the Copa Cabana? That's a huge disgrace, and he knows it. Even Jon Stewart, accepting his fourth straight Best Variety Show award (over The Colbert Report) said they'd made a mistake. My guess is, Barry Manilow is going On Notice.

Pro: Although, the aforementioned slight gave Colbert and Stewart some hilarious material when they presented the award for reality programming, which in Colbert's own words, "rots the minds of our children and gives solace to our enemies."

Con: Tony Shalhoub picks up his third Best Actor in a Comedy Series... for Monk. Does anyone even watch that show? Give it to the expertly moronic Steve Carell, the nasally neurotic Larry David, hell, even the ironically sleazy Charlie Sheen. But who is this Tony Shalhoub?

Pro: Hooray for The Office! I have to admit, I was torn as to who to root for. I still mourn the loss of Arrested Development, and another win would have made for a lovely "fuck you" to FOX for cancelling it. I continue to enjoy how Scrubs keeps puttering along quietly, making nice, smart, warm comedy. It's like the new Frasier. I wondered why rookie My Name is Earl wasn't on this list, seeing as the pilot won for Best Directing and Writing, and I'm envisioning Jason Lee's name in Kevin James' place for next year. But I do love The Office, and I'm glad it's out of the shadow of it's British predecessor, so it can be it's own beast.

Con: Julia Louis-Dreyfus wins Best Actress in a Comedy. This is not to take away from her win, which for all I know, may be well deserved. But Jane Kaczmarek toiled away at Malcolm in the Middle for seven seasons, made it funny, was nominated every year, and never won. Julia's show has just started, so give it to her next year. She's the only one on the list that will still be there.

Pro: Jeremy Piven wins Best Supporting Actor. Well deserved for infusing Ari Gold with the bitterness and quiet rage that makes him unmissable. Very short speech and a couple days growth on his face. He seemed a little out of it.

Con: This is a very reserved Con. Although I want to make it clear that have not, nor will I ever watch a single episode of American Idol, it probably should have won for Reality Competition. I much prefer The Amazing Race, but there should be some prize for having the most popular show on TV.

Pro: Bob Newhart, good sport. As part of an ongoing gag, meant to hold winners accountable for lengthy speeches, Conan brought out TV legend Newhart, encased in a glass tube with "three hours of air," to which Newhart immediately stared wide-eyed and began looking for a way out. Near the end, he was brought out to present the Best Comedy Series award, because "a majority of callers wanted you to live." Yes, a whole 52% of callers asked for his release, 42% did not and 6% called to say they had no opinion.

All in all, I think it was successful show, if your initials weren't ABC or CBS. Strangely, fourth-place network NBC did quite well, and they were hosting the show. Last year, the Emmys were on ABC, when Lost and Desperate Housewives ruled supreme. Coincidence? Or the uncovering of a vast network conspiracy to skew the results of Emmy voters? And while you're all thinking about that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Movie Reviews: A Buttload (Part I)

I've been shirking my duties here at Graphic Content and for that I apologize. It's a lot more work than I realized to keep this thing semi-up-to-date. The last review I did was of Cars, for Chrysler's sake. But I'm going to try and catch you up with some mini-views of Films of the Last Few Months! Try to imagine James Earl Jones saying that, and you'll get what I was going for there.

The Break-Up - It's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith all over again! And we all remember how much fun that was. Only this time, all the fighting is passive-aggressive. Instead of guns and explosions, we get therapy and tantrums. Hooray! Vinnifer (which I personally invented and much prefer to "Vaughniston" (extra parenthetical: Who came up with that shitty name? At least "TomKat" is ironic) and goes along nicely with Bennifer and Brangelina), played by two separate people, apparently, go through a messy break-up after threeish years together. Even though it's clear that the two still love each other, they still go for the throat when it comes to one-upping the other in the race to win "hand" as it's known by the Seinfeld generation. And by the time they realize the true feelings they have for one another, it's too late to salvage the damaged-beyond-repair relationship. I found the movie thoroughly depressing, but maybe I just haven't experienced such a sucking pit of despair, so I can't relate. The story goes that early test audiences didn't go for the original ending, so they reshot a new one months later. Maybe they jumped the gun? Hopefully the original one will end up on the DVD. Althought I probably won't rent it. I don't need the sadness in my life. Bottom line: This movie is on the rocks and I'm going to change the locks.

Nacho Libre - Wow, I can barely remember this movie. That doesn't say much about me, but it says even less about the film. I was so psyched going into this, thinking, "Oh boy, a Jack Black movie about Mexican wrestling made by the guy who did Napoleon Dynamite! Yippee!" Alright, maybe I didn't squeal "Yippee!" but you get the idea. There was so much this movie had going for it on paper, but the result just did not add up for me. Sure, there were some funny moments, but no real standout scenes or performances, and I can't for the life of me spout any quotes in real-life conversations (which is what I was hoping for). A Mexican friar, played by Black, wishes to make life better for the orphans, in order to impress a nun. To that end, he enlists the help of a neighborhood scoundrel ("I don't believe in God. I believe in science," is probably the best line in the film), and together they form a wrestling tag-team the likes of which probably everyone had ever seen. But the moderate fame and modest fortune they gain turns the friar into a bag of douche. He learns his lesson and yada yada yada. Bottom line: This Nacho is a bit stale. Wait for the DVD and hope for deleted scenes.

Click - This review may shock you. You have been warned. Adam Sandler is the new Bill Murray. Remember when Bill Murray was in schlock like Caddyshack and Ghostbusters and Stripes? Not to say those weren't good movies, but he always played kind of a goofball, fresh off of SNL with nowhere to go but up, into drier satire, like Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (of course, it helps if someone like Wes Anderson really likes you). Sound familiar? Adam Sandler used to appear in schlock like Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore and The Waterboy, where he wouldn't be asked to do much more than use that silly "abbi-doobie" voice he's so fond of. He is also moving forward from SNL to appear in drier satire, like Punch-Drunk Love and now Click. Not to say he doesn't still have time to do a Mr. Deeds now and then. Click is about a work-obsessed family man, an architect, who is given a device that will control his universe (given by a delicious Christopher Walken, who really does a great Chris Walken impression throughout). He can pause, rewind, and skip parts of his life to his liking. But the remote gets it's own ideas, and Adam learns a valuable lesson about smelling the roses. Here's the shocking part: when he was at his most desperate, I was nearly in tears. I admit it. No films usually do that to me. Not Titanic, not The English Patient, nothing. But Click? Somehow, it got the better of me. Bottom line: Click may make you pause and reflect. Two SUperFIngers up.

Superman Returns - The long-- and I mean long-- awaited return for the Man of Steel comes on the heels of a superhero movie genre revival. Some are good (Spider-Man, Batman Begins), and some are not (Elektra, Hellboy, Daredevil, this list goes on longer unfortunately) but like it or not they are back, baby. With more being announced all the time (Ghost Rider, Iron Man), as well as franchise sequels, it seems that movie producers are going no further than their sons' bookshelves for their next projects. So it stands to reason that a comeback was necessary for the uber-hero, Superman. Personally, I don't care for him. He does it all. Speed, strength, flying, heat vision, x-ray vision, the super-ability to blow air at things, he has no flaws, and it gets boring. And Lex Luther? Talk about a bland villain. I'll take a Doc Oc or The Joker over a bald, rich guy. Anyway, getting off-topic, back to the film... Although newbie Brandon Routh has the jaw and the piercing blue eyes for the job, the kid can't act, and Kate Bosworth (all 98 lbs. of her) doesn't have the vim and vinegar to play spunky upstart reporter Lois Lane. The plot intrigued me, what would happen if Superman just up and left? What would be left in his wake? Director Bryan Singer tries to pull that, and a Lutheran plot (any objections? No? Okay.) to destroy the world somehow, together to form a cohesive whole, but we end up feeling bounced around a bit. Props to Kevin Spacey for breathing some life into an otherwise bland villain, although he ain't no Gene Hackman. Bottom line: Not exactly a super-effort, but worth seeing just the same.

You, Me and Dupree - Owen Wilson plays the same guy in every movie. He's the quick-talkin' yet slow-drawlin' hipster who's always putting his foot where it don't belong. And he's made a tidy career out of it, so kudos. The same could be said about Michael Douglas. He's the guy in a suit, makin' money. When was the last time he made a movie where he didn't wear a tie? Kate Hudson always plays "the love interest" to the guy. Matt Dillon? He's the only one not pigeon-holed. Coming off an Oscar win, and this is what he does with his newfound clout? Oh well, this film showcases everyones talents nicely. Wilson gets to be hip, Douglas gets to wear a tie, Hudson gets to be in love and Dillon gets another acting credit on imdb. Everybody wins. Wilson plays Dupree, best man at Carl and Molly's wedding, who suddenly is down on his luck and out on the street. Carl brings him home, to Molly's consternation, but the loveable huckster begins to grow on her. Meanwhile, Carl, an architect, is becoming work-obsessed. But when Carl goes off the deep end, it's good old Dupree to the rescue, "throwing seven different kinds of smoke". Bottom line: You, Me, Dupree and Dupree's Wacky Cousin Who Constantly Gets Dupree Into Some Madcap Misadventures and Mischief, coming in Summer 2008. Some funny parts but ultimately unrewarding.

Whew! Okay, I've got to take a break on this thing, but I promise I will keep going with Part II, featuring pirates, houses and clerks, tomorrow. Auf weidersehen, mein guterschlagens (I made that word up, don't bother trying to translate it).

TTFN

The Deputy Treasurer of Tulameen

--Photo Gallery link--

Hello friends, I've missed you. What's new? Really? That's great, you really earned that free Subway sandwich. Good for you. How about me? Oh not too much, just got back from Tulameen. Where is it, you ask? Oh, it's just a little town northeast of Princeton, where I go to camp and play softball every August Long Weekend. How was it? Scrumtrilescent. More details, you say? I suppose I could be persuaded to offer up some photos. Annoyed with the way I repeat your questions, as though this were a one-sided conversation? Well, I can't do much about that.

From Friday night through Monday afternoon, I've had the time of my life, and I've never felt this way before, and I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you... Tulameen.

I went up there with some goals. I was going to play some good softball. I was going to help us win both the parade, and Most Fun Team. I was going to drink many beers. I was going to dance. I was going to rule the campsite. I'm happy to report that I succeeded on all levels.

First off, the first few games were fairly unremarkable. I was hitting well, but nothing special. I needed an edge. I also needed a hat, having misplaced my regular hat, and not wanting to play with my big floppy "Got Beer?" hat again, which just kept falling off. Then I remembered that I had another hat. My dad, who could not join the festivities due to the imminent birth of his fifth, count 'em, fifth child, sent me up with something for the Hall of Fame, his old lucky red hat. This cap is older than I am, and was synonymous with him for many of the early years of the 30 year old tournament. The poor thing has seen better days, people. The cardboard in the brim has shrunken and curled up. The fabric is tearing apart at the seams. But it still fit on my head. When I brought it out, everyone was delighted to see it return. I thought maybe I could draw some strength from it. And boy did I. The first game I wore it, I got a double play and a three-run homer. That was the game we won. The only one, actually. But we did win it, coming from behind. So yay for that.

Winning the parade was a top priority for Randy and myself. We usually just sort of throw something together at the last minute and hope for the best. This year... wasn't much different, but we did plan somewhat ahead. The supposed theme for the parade was Mardi Gras, since this was the 30th Anniversary of the weekend, so we had to incorporate that, but how to make it our own? Then it hit us. We'll build a parade float like a pirate ship. With a black sail, and rigging, and cannons. After all, pirates are very hot right now. Then it just accelerated from there. Last weekend, we built, and painted the boat. Randy engineered some cannons out of PVC pipe and springs that shot candy 10 feet. Over the following week, I painted the sail as well as a reuseable banner. The night before going up, at about 2:30 AM, I wrote a song, that will be published for the first time in it's entirety, right here on Graphic Content.


Gather me hearties and come hear my tale,
Yo ho Yo ho!
About the Das Booty and her fearsome sail.
Yo ho Yo ho!
All ships on the ocean would quiver and quail,
Yo ho Yo ho!
When they saw that the Burgers were hot on their trail!
Yo ho Yo ho, it's a Burger's life for me!

Now, one day Das Booty was hunting a whale,
Yo ho Yo ho!
When the winds shifted north and it started a gale!
Yo ho Yo ho!
It came down with rain and it came down with hail,
Yo ho Yo ho!
How could those Hamburgers ever prevail?
Yo ho Yo ho, it's a Burger's life for me!

"Where is the captain?" the men would all wail
Yo ho Yo ho!
"He's having a baby (He's hoping it's male)
Yo ho Yo ho!
So go grab a barrel, a bucket or pail,
Yo ho Yo ho!
Before this ship sinks and we all have to bail!"
Yo ho Yo ho, it's a Burger's life for me!

They passed out some beer to the strong and the frail,
Yo ho Yo ho!
The Burgers worked hard, they fought tooth and nail.
Yo ho Yo ho!
They came out on top! And that proves without fail,
Yo ho Yo ho!
That Hamburgers always go better with ale!
Yo ho Yo ho, it's a Burger's life for me!


So, anyway, we came in first place, of course. But we tied with another team, which sort of bugs me. It cheapens the whole judging process when there is no ultimate champion, who can lord their success over others. Maybe that's just me.

We go into Tulameen every year knowing we're not really contenders for the tournament trophy, so I like to concentrate my efforts on the other, less tangible events. Like Most Fun Team. We won it last year, thanks to some extensive campaigning, and I hoped to reclaim it once more. I danced for the Battitudes, I danced for the Grogs, I danced for Club Bob, even though it made me miss out on something I'll never forgive myself for missing. Those of you who were there will know what I mean, and those who weren't, won't. I hijacked an event put on by the Homegrown, that had run out of steam. I did all I could, and we were rewarded with out second consecutive Most Fun Team Award. Woo-- followed closely by it's counterpart --hoo!

As for other things that happened that weekend... I participated in a couple of dance-offs with a recent addition to the team, Jen. Or Jenn. Or maybe Jennnn. Anyway, I think I won the first one, on Friday night, with a few patented moves, like the Switchfoot Swivel. I think Jen was taken aback by the depths of my groovitude, having never seen it before. But by Sunday, she was ready and we had to pull out all the stops. By the end of "Pour Some Sugar on Me", we had managed to get our heads up each others' shirts and she had poured beer on herself, which I then proceeded to drink. So I think that although she may have won the dance-off, I came out a winner. Brad smashed the hell out a Spongebob pinata. He was drunk, blindfolded and in the dark, but he got it. Danby, from the Tumbleweeds, issued a beer-bong challenge to Erika. They decided upon two beers apiece. And who should come out on top? Erika, of course. So Danby had to slink back to his site with his bong between his legs, a little humbler for the experience.

Uh, let's see, what else... OK, during one game, Dave and Kelly's little dog, Jack, attacked Leonard on his way to first base, and chased him to second. It was by all accounts, the funniest thing that ever happened at Tulameen. And for their efforts, Jack and Leonard were awarded the first Tulameen MVP Award.

That's all I can remember at the moment (keeping in mind I was drinking steadily), so if anyone has any comments or memories about Tulameen, please add them, and send me some good photos (especially of the dance-off, please), and I'll add them to the gallery, linked here and above.

Signed,

Steve Sims
Deputy Treasurer in Charge of "Fun"ds,
Tulameen, BC

Oh yeah, the blog... I forgot all about it

Hola amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but you know how it gets during the summer. Don't worry, I ve got lots to talk about, and I probably won't get it all in this post. I've been watching movies, new TV shows, playing vidja games, camping, bocce. All in all, I've been throwing 7 different kinds of smoke (shi-shi-shaa!). I'll begin by giving an overview of the activities going on that haven't involved some kind of screen.

On Canada Day weekend, some friends and I went camping up to Silver Creek, near Hope. This drive, dear friends, is not for the faint of tire. About 45 minutes of loose gravel roads really puts a strain on your treads, especially if they are no longer that strong to begin with. Picture a man, who just reached his campsite for the weekend. He exits the car and enters... The Mosquito Zone! My G-d, there were plenny o' skeeters. You couldn't sit still for ten seconds without slapping yourself silly. But we got along okay. We swam, we drank, we fished, we drank, we played checkers (with shots), we drank, we hiked up a trail to a beautiful lake that was surprisingly warm, where we met the most fun Dutch couple (wink, wink) and then we drank. Oh, and we changed my flat tire, because the drive up did not go as well as I had originally thought. And we drank some more. I did my first two beer bongs, and by all accounts, did fantastic. Yep, yep, that's me, Beer Bong Rookie of the Year 2006. It was just an honour to be nominated, really.

On the home front, my roommate Greg purchased a top of the line Yamaha electronic drum kit, for about 3 and a half G's. On Tyler's advice, of course. So, we spent a whole weekend, rearranging our apartment to accommodate the thing. We tried to find some space in his bedroom, but to no avail, so now it sits behind the couch in the living room, which is great, because now, I can listen to him pounding away while I watch TV . The problem is, although the sound is silent, the kick pedal and the hi-hat are not. They slam directly into the hardwood floors in our third-floor abode. So now we have work on sound proofing the damn thing. We got some foam tiles, but that doesn't seem to do much, but I'm thinking a mattress might do the trick. I'll let you know how the saga continues.

Last weekend was my family's annual bocce tournament, the 11th one. Held earlier in the year than usual, we got some unseasonably warm weather, reaching 32C in the shade. I don't know how hot it was in the sun, since our thermometer is in the shade. Go fig. We had some great bocce out there. My partner Shiori and I won our first two games, but lost the last two, and were eliminated in the B-side quarterfinals. The winners were Larry (who had now won four times) and Dorie (who has only participated twice). They played seven games and only lost their first one, probably because Larry hadn't had much to drink yet. I tell ya, that guy is some sort of drunk savant. The mmore he drinks, the better he rolls. Anyways, we also had a pig roast, that got burned all to hell, and a chocolate fountain, which was a big hit. Good times were had by all.

Softball continues. I'm playing tonight in the first game of the year end tourny, which wraps up this weekend. I'd like to have high hopes for our chances, but it's hard to be optimistic about my optimism, given our record. Then, the weekend after this one is the big one. The one I wait for every year. TULAMEEN, BITCHES!!! And, this year, my family isn't going, so I don't have to hold back at all. My dad can't go because he has to be around in case Trina goes into labour. What's that, did I not mention she was pregnant? Well she is. Again. 24 years difference on this kid, meaning when they (I don't know what the sex is yet) graduate from high school, I'll be 42. Fourty... f--king... two. And when they all move to Australia next year, if that actually happens, that kid will not know me at all.

Well, that wraps up my life outside of the house, other than work, but I refuse to discuss that at all, because it's heart-breaking. Next time, I'll recount some of the films I've been watching, and preview some new shows coming this fall. Wow, don't I sound like I get paid for this? Well I don't, so don't complain when I shut up for a month and a half.

Review: Cars

Everybody had their doubts that Pixar could do it yet again. No way, after Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Toy Story 2, Monsters Inc., Finding Nemo and The Incredibles, could they strike gold once more. How is it possible that one company keeps making great movies when so many others are making drivel like Garfield 2 (seriously, who decided the first one was so loved that a sequel was necessary? He should be taken out and shot). Well, I am pleased to report that Cars, once feared to be Pixar's Waterloo, is a fine film in the grand old tradition. It's colourful and low-brow for the kids, with plenty of hidden jokes and references for the astute adults in the audience. Don't get me wrong, this is not up to the same standards as Finding Nemo, which may go down as the finest animated film ever (take that, Beauty and the Beast!) but there's only so many times you can keep improving on greatness. It was bound to happen that eventually, one film would not be better than the last. But even the low end of the Pixar scale is usually pure genius. I apologize if I keep jumping back and forth between calling this great and not as great, but rest assured, Cars is a great movie.

It tells the story of a rookie NASCAR named Lightning McQueen, voiced with all the slacker aplomb that Owen Wilson can muster. He and his rivals, the veteran near retirement The King (Richard Petty) and the rough-riding also-ran Chick (Michael Keaton), are tied for points in the series, and the deciding race, The Piston Cup, will determine who will snag the championship, as well as the new face of the largest sponsor, Dinoco. When the race ends in a three-way tie, the kind that only happens in movies, a deciding race is scheduled in California in a week's time. Lightning (Ka-chow!) is loved by fans and cameras. Coupes scream his name and RV's blow their air horns when he drives past. But, sadly, he is a lonely guy who fires his crew chief and believes he can win races solo. The closest things he has to friends are his truck driver Mack (perennial Pixar voice John Ratzenberger) and his agent Marv (perennial agent portrayer Jeremy Piven). So when he gets lost along the drive to California, he gets really lost. He winds up causing a asphalt-load of damage in a small town called Radiator Springs. For his behavior, he is sentenced to fix the road before he can leave. During that time, he meets the inhabitants of the town (top right), including a pair of Italian tire merchants (Tony Shalhoub), a redneck tow-truck (Larry the Cable Guy), a low-riding paint job artist (Cheech Marin), a surly mechanic/judge (Paul Newman) and the requisite displaced city girl (Bonnie Hunt). He learns the value of slowing down to appreciate life, and grows to love the town's laidback appeal. But that's not all he learns, and he still has to get to California in time for the big race! How will he do it?! I ain't tellin'.

If you go to Cars, expecting it to be better than the last Pixar film, you may be a tad disappointed, but if you go see it expecting it to be better than any other animated film this year, I'm sure you won't be. The characters are colourful and cute, begging to be made into McDonald's Happy Meal toys. They basically look like Fisher-Price toys. It's a marketer's wet dream. But the backgrounds are bloody-well spectacular, and really give the sense that you stepped onto Route 66. You put these cartoonish characters onto photorealistic backgrounds, and you think it won't work, but hey, it's worked well for anime for all these years. Go see the film with the kids, and if not, go see it wearing sunglasses and a hat. Just go see it.

∆∆∆∆ of 5

Review: The Omen

Horror films have never really done it for me. I guess that comes from not seeing many until I was really old enough to not be affected. I mean, this is a guy who watched Basic Instinct with his parents, no less, at the age of 10. The only films that I recall scaring me were Jurassic Park (shut up, like you didn't jump when the velociraptor came out of the pipes) and Blown Away (I freaked out at the thought that anything could be a bomb. I had to sleep with a volleyball, just so that I could wake up and go, "What reason could I possibly have for holding this volleyball?"). Now that the parentheticals are out of the way... I watch movies like The Exorcist or The Grudge and I don't see what the fuss is about. I watched Hostel, the so-called, "Scariest movie in years" - some guy who wanted to get his name on TV, no doubt - and I was laughing. So forgive me if I didn't hide my eyes and scream in fright at the spawn of Satan in The Omen. The original, from 1976, came during the heyday of the horror genre, and starred Gregory Peck, one of the greatest actors of his generation. It was tense and disturbing, and gave many a parent the HeBGB's (or heebeejeebies).

The remake stars Liev Schreiber, whose best work was in The Manchurian Candidate (but did anyone see that?) and Julia Stiles, as Robert and Katherine Thorne, a political family on the rise. Robert, the godson of the President, is an ambassador (I'm generalizing, but it's a long story, and you can get it from the film). The movie begins promisingly enough, with the Vatican council scrutinizing Revelations and their correlations to recent world events. It's a whole montage of "Too soon?" imagery, featuring New Orleans, the Columbia shuttle and the Twin Towers. Their conclusions: that the day is nigh for the coming of the Anti-Christ, and he shall be born at 6 am on June 6th. Meanwhile, across town in a small Roman hospital, Robert arrives to find out his pregnant wife has just given birth, but lo and behold, the child has perished. The priest on call explains that another child had been born as well, to a mother who did not survive. So rather than face his wife with the heart-breaking truth, Robert decides to live a lie, since that never comes back to bite people in the ass. They raise little Damien (and here's a quick question, does anybody ever name their child that anymore?), a narrow-eyed, scowling little munchkin who barely says twenty cohesive words the entire film. But then, things start happening that make his parents believe he may not be the little prince that all parents believe their child to be. They hire a nanny, Mrs. Baylock (Mia Farrow, in a neat bit of stunt casting) to watch over Damien, but perhaps she has other, more insidious references thn just what's on her resume. What's more, the bizarre "accidents" seem to be foreshadowed by a politico paparazzo, Keith (played by David Thewlis, of Professor Lupin fame), who follows the American Ambassador to Great Britain with his high-speed camera, capturing everything and everyone around Robert. The deaths appear to be premonitioned (or whatever) by light effects on his photos. This leads him to seek out Robert, who, after being accosted by a bishop (Pete Postlethwaite), is becoming more and more suspicious of his little scamp. Robert, and his new friend, go on a quest to find out Damien's history, and maybe, just maybe, find out why his teacher said his social skills "need improvement" (psyche).

The movie is by all accounts, a pretty faithful adaptation of the original, which leads me to ask why it was necessary. The reason? The marketing was too perfect not to do it. It opened on June 6th, 2006, or for you morons out there, 06/06/06. They've probably been sitting on this for years, just waiting until the time was right. The movie itself is fine, I suppose. Schrieber has but one face, blank, and uses it in all situations. Stiles is sort of whiny and shrill. Farrow makes the most of her screen time by looking deliciously creeptastic. The scares? Mostly come via editing and nightmares. The death scenes are fairly elaborate, but you'd get more enjoyment out of Final Destination if that's what you're after. All in all, the film was pretty unnecessary, but it proves that marketing is the most important part of the movie business.

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